Messed up Emotions

Hey ya all
I didn't manage to post for the past few days because my dad came and I went to sleep at the condominium which have no internet access so i couldn't update anything.
I feel so at ease when my dad's with me. It's like there's this "warmth" that no one can give me other than him. He's my hero. He's the man I know will always love me no matter what and I feel so bad every time i make him sad or give him headaches. I just wish i could be a better daughter. I just wish he would know how much I really really do love him.

So I've been feeling so messed up lately. Even though i felt so optimistic about myself no so long ago. I guess things have been bugging me a lot. Friendship and education. My mind are full of these two things, but mainly, it's education. I am struggling so much and yet I just can't admit it to my parents face because I don't want to let them down.

Well, friendship....I actually don't know what that word means anymore. "Best friends", "Best pals", whatever word that ties friendship forever, I really don't know if I can actually TRUST it. Well, of course i have a BEST FRIEND. She's literally the best. I've known her since grade 4 until now. And even though we're in different countries now, our friendship never dies. She's literally the best. No one and i mean NO ONE can compare to her.
What I'm trying to point is, friendship NOWADAYS. I just don't get it. Why do people always take other people for granted? Yeah, I mean, some times i do too, but then as i realized it, i stopped.
It's like when people are caring towards you, the least you could do is appreciate it. Why do you have to turn it the other way around ? Why do you have to ignore that person after he/she tries to help? Why do you blame him/her when she's actually trying to help?
People gets tired of trying when all you does is push away.
Maybe I'm not getting my point across at all. AHHHHH, i feel like what I'm writing is really messed up.

SO it's like I have this friend whom i USED TO really care for. But now, not anymore. Every time she suffers, I would do anything just for her to be happy again. But what did i get in the end? NOTHING. Nothing at all. Well, I know that people shouldn't "expect" in order to not be disappointed, but i mean, she's a REALLY GOOD FRIEND, so yeah, i sorta expect at least some appreciation in return but i got NOTHING. This kind of stuffs happen too often that i eventually got sick of it. Every time i do hang around her, I feel more and more and more annoyed of her behaviours. Sometimes i just want to slap her in the face so that she wakes to reality. I wonder if she knows....that me and her are nothing anymore. We're only "good friends" in the name....i really wonder if she knows. So what if we're in the same class? So what if we've known each other since i started school here? I really don't care! I mean, if it's just going to be me that tried to make the friendship work, then sorry girl, but I'm out of the game. I give up. I'm not a people pleaser anymore. NO MORE. I'm not the same girl i used to be a year ago. I am not going to let you take advantage of me anymore. I know i probably sound so much like a bitch right now, but this is what I'm feeling.

Alright, I'm so sorry if i've said anything that would offend anyone. I'm just really feeling so messed up. Nothing is making my day better at all.
I guess, I'll go watch a movie or some thing.
See ya next time~