Disappointed in myself

Well, that pictures explain exactly everything about me right now.
Had some fight and I'm the cause of it.

Well, so i thought opening up would get me to a better place, would make them understand me more. Guess I was really wrong. Telling them my problems seems to only get me more blamed for it. And instead of them consoling me, seems like they're applying cold water to burnt area. Well, if that made any sense at all. But, i'm just really disappointed. I don't open up to anyone about who i am easily. I choose who i open up to real hard. And i've only opened up to a few people since i was born. I am not going to mention the names. But yes, some of those that I've opened up to betrayed me in the end. But i'm putting them in the past now.
I just wish that for once, they would understand how hard it is for me right now. It may not seem like it's a big deal, but it is for me. I've been trying real hard to change. But changing doesn't apply immediately. I'm changing little by little. I can't just change in 24 hours. It's hard to change. It's hard to try and forget. It's really hard. It's really hard to ignore everything.
It gets even harder when every little thing i do, you say you wouldn't mind, but in the end ? You always do. I know i've done a lot of wrongs in my life but i'm trying to fix it as i grow up. I really am trying to change to become a better person. Won't you at least please try to understand me? Even just for a little bit?
I know i'm messed up and all. It's not like i want to become this way. And i really do love you. I just really hope you know. I'm like real bad at expressing it, but yes, I REALLY DOES LOVE AND CARE ABOUT YOU. From the bottom of my heart, i really do.
Please understand me, even just for a little bit.

Life is just so messed up right now. I hate going through this kind of period. But i know that everyone does. In life, there's the ups and the downs.

That's one thing i'm upset about: Myself.
But i'm madly mad at some people too. Or preferably, my class.

School contest is coming up and of course, you would want for your class to win right? I mean, that brings honours doesn't it? But WHY is no one MAKING AN EFFORT to make that happen? Why go around sabotaging your friends when YOU have the TALENT to win? I seriously wonder why? What's so humiliating about entering the school contest? It doesn't make you look cool or something? Well, let me tell you one thing, LOSING is what makes you look UNCOOL! LOSING will. But if you lose but have tried your best, then it won't make you look uncool. Your efforts will strongly be appreciated. Unless of course, some a**holes doesn't. They're not worth considering.
I really don't get the "sabotaging" part. I mean, WHYYYY? The teachers picked you because you're good at it. Because they BELIEVE in you. So why not join? If you're unsure, you can always try! You'll never know what you're good/bad at until you try it. It's just testing your knowledge. And knowledge is something you should be proud to have.
It gets really frustrating seeing your own class that way. Aren't you scared to be humiliated? Is being called the "class that loses everything" something that you want?
If you want to win, you've got to make an effort for it! Everything comes with a price. Nothing's ever free.
I don't really know what i should say anymore. Be mad at me for all i care, but if you want something done, YOU do it. Don't put it on someone else.

Feeling as terrible as ever.

i'll have you know i only thought of suiciding twice and cutting myself millions of times and getting drunk. But in the end, I told myself not to. Because it wouldn't do me any good. 

alright.
see you next time.