I REAPPEARED XD

OMGGG HIIIII
i reappeared.
hahahahhahaha.
sorry for disappearing for like a month or so ._.
no wait, it was more than a month.
and right now,
i'm suppose to be doing my personal project but yeah, fuck it. i'll just be here updating my blog instead. hehehehhehe
omg
i can't ever keep my updates often ._.
sorriiiiiii
i don't even know why i'm saying sorry.
hehehehehe
so lately,
it's holidays -_-
but fuck holidays.
it sucks :(
i didn't get to go anywhere because of some family issues that had suddenly appeared.
but it's something i have to accept and must cope well with it.
well, so,
i'm just staying at home and helping my parents work even tho it's holidays -_-
but hahah, life is somewhat good i guess.
many things have changed.
some people left. some people remained. new people came in.
i'm contented with those that remained <3
i'm happier that there's someone else that stepped into my life :)
it made my life so much brighter and better.
i had looked down upon myself and had had a past person destroyed all of my self-esteem and self-confidence, but i've gained it back.
i've met someone great and wonderful.
wasn't expecting anything, but i've met the most wonderful person in a short amount of time.
i'm just so glad he took the courage to talk to me and ask me out :3 because if he hadn't done it, i wouldn't have told him my feelings for him either and well, i'll just remain shy and kept on telling myself that he doesn't feel the same way. but who would've known he had actually had feelings for me even before we started getting close.
i'm just so glad :3
teeheees.
i realized i missed out on so many good opportunities because i was too blind to see the real world and was just led on by my own stupid imaginations.
so heheheheheh,
dear ex, 
fuck you for fucking up my life for 2 months or so, but thank you, because letting you go was the best decision i've ever made as i've met an amazing man that loves and appreciate me for me and i've had the most fun of my life with duhhh awesome friends that i had missed out on because i was so stupidly trying to hang onto you who doesn't even appreciate whatever that is in front of you. 
sincerely, me ;)
muahhahahahah
i feel so good. omg :3

kekekekkeek
this was long ago but <3
hehehehehheeh <3
it was one of days where it was super fun <3

boom boom boom. HELLO FROM MOSAE AND I :D
and hahaha, i shall end this post.
byeeeeeeee :3
there's so many pictures i wanna upload but it's too private to be posted in public.......hahahhahahah xD
good nighttttttttt errrryyyyybodehhhhhhhhhh

no matter how things may have changed, memories doesn't.

heyyyyy,
it's been so long and really long and i never once kept my word on how i'm gonna update "more often" :/
school's been really hectic.
no actually, i'm not gonna blame it on school.
it's me, myself. i'm just always neglecting what needs to be done.
and yeah, i mainly seriously only blog when i feel depressed and stuff.
and now...well, i'm not actually depressed now.
i'm just feeling really....empty.

So i spent the day at home, mainly because i wasn't feeling well and also mainly because i really just want to spend sometime alone thinking everything through.
like how "panda" says that i'm always over thinking. i think he's right. no, i know he's right. i'm just always over thinking :/ and i really hate that part of me.

okay, so, lately,
tbh, i've been really missing the past. i've told myself millions of times to stop living in the past, but sometimes, i just always end up wandering lost into space and back into the past. like, i can't help but remember them and have those flashbacks thrown at me. like, those memories, it made me smile. it was the time of my life where i could never ever forget. i mean, i met my first best friend there. i met this one really special person who still holds the same importance in my heart tho i no longer feel what i used to feel for him, but yeah, i met him. i met a lot of different people. i am who i am today because of those times. i'm the me right now because of those people i met. even though things have really drifted apart. it's been two years, but it feels like it's only been a few months. sometimes, it feels like i'm still living there and it's painful when reality punches me in the face and say "oh come on, stop dreaming! that's all the past! you're never gonna get that back!" well, yeah, memories. damn memories. just kept on lingering at the back of my mind. every damn time of the day. but those were good memories, so it's fine <3 like, those were really really good memories <3 that i would die for.
those times meant the world to me, like really. nothing could ever compare. nothing. literally nothing. i would do anything to get back to those times but sadly, no. i can't. time doesn't wait for anyone. time doesn't turn back. i just have to live with it and just be happy with what i have now. after all, i have "panda" and my awesome friends. :) so yeah, i'm pretty much happy and satisfied with all i have. and those friends, i'm glad i'm still in touch with them, most of them. at least those that are really really important to me <3 i'm just so glad they didn't forget me :)

there's really so much more to life than it seems. and life really is never as bad as it seems :)
i'm this really pessimistic bitch, so i rarely am optimistic, but i'm trying to change. i'm trying to always look at the brighter side of things. after all, there are "two sides to everything" :)

everyone's got their own different life stories, you can't compare yours to theirs. you go through different things. you experience different things. but one thing you should have in common is "enjoy the moment while it lasts. you never know when it may be gone".
don't go around judging people. it's not right, but it's what everyone do. even myself. but you know what, you can judge, just keep it to yourself. no one would ever have a clue what the hell you're thinking down there. just keep it and it won't harm anyone. the moment you open your mouth, there's always a chance that you're gonna hurt someone or even worse, you might hurt yourself.

i think i've written quite a lot ._. or maybe not ._. idk.
i'm gonna try to get start with my homework. i'm feeling good t'night :3
hehehehehehe <3
good night <3

All hopes lost

Well.....'I don't know' 

An easy way to escape questions and simply the answer to questions when you're just so mother fucking unsure about yourself. 

'The perks of being a wallflower'. That movie is just so inspiring and well....sad and depressing all at the same time...

And yeah, right now...I pretty much feel like dying.... 

..... 

Exam's tomorrow and I'm here...being all depressed and shit. Feeling all shitty. Feeling so damn suicidal. 

Pretending to smile is getting so so so much harder these past few days. 

Going to school and smile. Then come back home and run into the toilet to cry, well, that's my routine now. I should be getting used to it but...how come I'm not.... How come I still get so affected and still give a damn about everything when I shouldn't...

NOTHING..... 

Useless. 

Stupid. 

Idiot. 

Bitch. 

Insignificant. 

Alone. 

Broken. 

Insecure. 

Jealous. 

Lonely. 

Defeated. 

Hopeless. 

Lifeless. 

The list just goes on and on..... 

Simply a living corpse. 

Life full of darkness. 

Hopes all lost. 

Motivation all gone. 

Suicidal on my mind.

Getting drunk. 

Self-harming. 

I'm just so tempted to do these but then I tell myself it wouldn't do me any good. So instead , I just sit down and throw words at myself , cry , feel all pathetic and then I'll try to pick myself up....if I can. 

Haizzzzz. I shall end this post...and maybe go and bury myself in more depressing music. 

Maybe I'm wrong...maybe I'm right

Hai ! A picture of my shoes. LOLOLOL. I was bored thus I did it for fun XD hehehe. 

It's like midnight right now and I'm still up and feeling horrible. LOL. 

I just feel so emotionally tired....I don't even know why... Well, maybe I do. Maybe I don't. 

Is it so hard to try and understand people and give them space ? Why must everything be controlled? 

Haiz....pressure here. Pressure there. 

National exams coming up the day after tomorrow and I haven't even started reviewing. I just feel like giving it all up. I've lost all hopes and motivation. I simply don't even feel like a living thing anymore. Feels like a zombie...

Such an idiot I am....hopeless and stupid. Useless and insignificant. 

I'm merely throwing all the words at myself. 

I know at times like this people would be saying 'oh , look at the bright side of life...' Well, I've said that to people that are down.... 

The bright side? I don't even know where it is. When I look around, it's as though it's filled with darkness. 

Having to put on 'the smile' everyday and pretend that everything is okay is really really tiring.

On some days I just want to simply hide away or maybe just be gone. 

Right now...

Haizzzzz. I should really pick myself back up at get over this depression...... 

I thank 'the one' that's been here with me and cheering me up. :) 

Well.... 

I...should....stop feeling this way!

Hahaha. 

I'm just spamming this post with pictures XD 

I swear this is soooo cuteeeeeeee XD ^ 

Anw , good night. LOL 

.....

Haiiiii. It's been so long since I last updated ._. 

I was busy and well...lazy. LOL

The schedule's like really packed and the level of my laziness just keeps getting higher and higher. 

Okay...I'm obsessed with the song 'let her go'. I just like it. Not for any particular reason, I just do XD heheh 

A PICTURE OF BABY BEEL! Yayyyyy!! Haha 

Okay, I'm being really random :/ 

I'm just doing stuff to avoid feeling fucked up. LOL. Life is just so good and so bad both at the same time :/ 

So many stuffs on my mind yet I don't even know how to voice it out... 

The urge to just scream out loud...

The urge to just go someplace far and hide...

The urge to just...end everything :/ 

These damn negative thoughts :/ 

I've told myself millions of times to never be so pessimistic but then I can't stay optimistic for over 24 hours :/ In a day, there'll always be that moment whereby I just feel so fucking down and depressed. 

But you know what, there's also stuffs that's been making me feel good. Well, life's full of good and bad ? 

Oh god , I don't even know if what I'm saying makes any sense at all :/ 

Screw this. 

I'll drown myself in music. 

...... 

The least you could do is act better than that !

Don't act like such a dick ! 

I might be caring now, but if you continue being that way, I fucking won't bother ! 

Helloooooo people ! 

I've decided to try and update much more often than before ! 

But since my life isn't any interesting , I don't really know what to write , I'll probably just ended up writing nonsense. Hahaha. But this is my blog so yahhhh. It's my nonsense XD. Either way , I just hope you'll enjoy reading my nonsense ! I just hope I won't bore you. HAHAHHA. 

Anyway , I've been feeling really irritated at people that doesn't appreciate it when someone shows them that they care and instead act like such a dick ! Gosh ! Worse kind of human being ever ! I mean , seriously ? They're showing you that they care and yet you act that way ? Geez ! So fucking ridiculous ! 

I have the say that the picture above is just so true ! 

I won't deny that I don't drink. I mean , who doesn't ? HAHAH. All teenagers have at least tasted alcohol once. LOL. But yeahhh, gotta admit that there are indeed 'good' teen out there who doesn't drink. But I haven't found one in my circle of friends. Hahah. They've all at least tasted alcohol once. Lol. 

Drinking doesn't mean being an alcoholic~~ 

Yeah , I do drink. But not often. And I only drink a lot when I feel fucked up. Come on, all the pain goes away when alcohol enters. Hahaha. But gotta admit that sometimes it only increases the pain instead of making it go away. And the aftermath of drinking is never good ! 

Yeah , drinking isn't good for the health, but if you know how to limit yourself , well, it won't really affect your health. Everyone ended up drinking later in life anyway ! ;) 

GAGAGA. 

I'm not exactly the 'good kid' Hahas. I rebel a lot. Like really a lot ! But I love my parents ! I love them much more than I can say ! 

I mean yeah , some times I do get mad at them but not for long and I can never ever hate them ! How could I ever ? They gave birth to me. They made me who I am today. They were always there for me. They're the only ones who'll truly accept me for who I am. And they're the only ones that love me much more than how much I love myself. 

I don't believe it when someone says ' oh, I'll love you forever ' 

I simply don't unless of course that person is gonna marry you or sth. But it's never accurate ! There are some people out there who's cheating but there are also some out there who really does truly love their one and only! 

But for now , at this age, nahhhh. No such love exist. It's all merely appearance. I mean , yeah , they love you when you're nice , neat and have money. Don't you dare tell me you don't love money ! Everyone does. But some people love it too much that they don't realize what they're missing. Anw , back to topic; tell me , will you still love that person when he/she is going through the darkest times of his/her life ? Will you still love them when all they do is argue with you ? Will you still love them when all your friends are saying 'oh , you got such an ugly lover'? Will you still love them with all their ugly sides ? Will you still love that person when suddenly there's a super hot person coming up to woo you ? Yeah , will you ? Will you be able to promise yourself to be faithful ? There's not such things as forever at such an age ! Hell yeah , that's reality ! Either accept it or just continue being fooled and getting broken down. 

Yeah , that's just my opinion and all. It's all from my point of view so if I've offended any of you , I apologize but yeah , reality is harsh. It doesn't lay low on you. It strikes you through the heart. But by accepting reality , you'll get a lot stronger :) 

Shall end the post with this : 

Hehehe. 

Good night !~~~ 

time changes everything

back in 2012. so much has changed since then.

HELLOOOOOOOO.
It has been soooo long since i've last updated. And i'm sorry. I've been so busy with so many things!!! Life's been so hectic nowadays.
I've realised that so much has changed over the past 8 months. Since 2013 started, i hadn't really been having the time of my life or anything and neither am i having the time of my life right now. It's just, I feel a lot better about myself. I feel like i should strive for the things i want. I should no longer hold back or have any set backs in life.
Well, my heart's never been cleared since the moment i came back to Cambodia. It can't be helped because i've regretted so many things that i should've done while i was in Singapore, yet i didn't do it. I've regretted it till today. But the past is the past, i won't dwell on it as much as i once did. I'll look back to those times and smile because I am thankful for what has happened. The people i've met. The time i've spent. The memories. Everything.

I've always hated myself for always easily getting attached to someone. It's like if I just get to know someone and we "click" immediately, I get attached so easily to that person. I trust that person and share almost every thing about myself with that person. In the end, what I get is mostly betrayal. They all always ended up leaving in the end and I get hurt. A part of me seems to be lost once they leave. While some just comes in and out of my life whenever they please. I don't get it. It hurts me. It hurts me knowing that I'm the only one who cares. Why are they like that? Why would they leave even though they know how hurt i'll get when they do....And most of the times, i'll be the idiot who goes chasing them back into my life. But now i've changed. I will no longer do that. If they want to enter, make sure to stay. If they don't plan on staying then I'll gladly walk away first. This is a lot easier said than done. I mean , come on, would you really leave someone that means so much to you? Yeah, every Hello comes another Good bye. It's sad, but it inescapable.

All kind of shit happens. So bare with it. You're not the only one going through though times. Remember, YOU'RE NEVER ALONE :)

The past's the past. We can't turn back time. Just like someone special had once told me "It's enough. Don't dwell on the past. It'll only hurt you more".
It reminds me so much of the times spent with that person. Special. So very special.

hehehehe :')

Anyway, this post is like sooooo emotional. My goddddddd. NO MORE NO MORE. Haha XD
It's been ages since i've last watch any anime and my gosh, life is no fun without anime!!!! D:

hahahah, okay
i don't really know what to write anymore
buhhhhhbyeeeeeeee~~

It gets so tiring...

I can't. I just can't.
I know i'm the troublesome child and all that, but living in this house is just slowly killing me one by one. How could i ever be happy? There hasn't been a moment where i feel "oh, staying here is good. staying here is happy" There has never been such a moment! I'm so pissed okay. I really am. Yeah okay, i don't fit in that easily, that's right. It's me. I find it so hard to fit in an environment i'm so unfamiliar with. People have different ways of living. I have mine. It's my life. I can choose and decide however i want to live. No one wants to live a bad life. I know i sometimes makes wrong decisions, but why do you keep on blaming me instead of just telling me that it's wrong? Why is it that whenever i make a mistake, all the damn things that i've done wrong are just added to my current mistake? That's so damn unfair! Why talk about stuffs that aren't even related to my mistakes? WHY WHY WHY?

I've become this person whom just no longer tells anyone how i'm feeling. I'm so used to sealing it away in my heart. When i'm surrounded, i feel alone. Not all the times of course, but yeah, that feeling sucks. Being surrounded yet still feel so fucking alone. Yeah, that sucks okay. I know that there are others out there who feels exactly the same. I can't rant about it anywhere else or to anyone other than here, on my own blog. I am not going to care if you're going to criticise me. I am not! I am just so tired of everything. So tired of life. So tired of all the fucking dramas. So tired of all the damn problems. Why can't life just for once go easy on me? Yeah, i know, life's always full of ups and downs but....I can't take it any longer...I feel so...tired.
No one understands me...no matter how much i tried explaining..so yeah, eventually i stopped. I've started to put barriers around myself, not letting people get to know the real me, not letting people know what i feel, not showing anyone how much i care even though i care so much.

I don't even know what i'm suppose to feel right now. Apologetic? Angry? Sad? I don't even know. It's just so mixed up. I'm just so tired of misunderstandings. People say they know what it's like to be feeling this and that and blah blah blah, but they don't. I know i'm not the only one suffering. I know there are others out there who's suffering so much more than I am, but yea....this is my life and i just feel so tired of living. i really am so tired. just so tired.
I just want to simply shut myself off from the world, go somewhere far that no one i know would ever find me, and just cry, let all my worries out, and then look at the world from a new side.

Distance.....does bring things apart.

these were taken either last year or earlier this year. i can't clearly remember.

WELL WELL WELL,
I'm up. But not yet at school xD
EXAMS ARE OVERRRRRRRRR YAYYYYYYYY!!! I CAN FINALLY SLACK. HOHOHO :D
I'm just so so so so super glad that it's over okay! It's just the best feeling. OMG. IT FEELS SO GOOOOOOOOD.
Despite exams being over, doesn't mean the dramas are.......

GRRRRRR,
I'M FRUSTRATED at how DISTANCE always ruins everything. And how nothing LASTS FOREVER.
GOSH,
I wonder why.....

Best friends.....i'm starting to doubt. Of course i ain't doubting my first best friend. SHE'S THE BEST. But because of the distance, we can't communicate much. I miss her okayyyy. I REALLY DO.

Anyway,
My point is, well, to me, from my point of view, it seems as though nothing lasts forever. And sometimes, i wonder why i used the word forever even though i know it won't last forever, because forever is a long time. And nothing lasts. I think.

Maybe it's just me and my normal mood swings, but i'm feeling rather messed up early in the morning. or maybe it's just because i didn't get enough sleep. I just can't bring myself to sleep :( And i do not know why :/
grrrrrrr, i should really really really really adapt to the habit of sleeping early and not sleeping late and then looking like an idiot every morning xD

Now that exams are over, i actually do not know what to do anymore. hahas. well, i only did last minute revisions though. I hope i would pass. Kinda nerve-wrecking because all i mainly used my common sense to answer the questions in the papers and i don't even know if i wrote it correctly or put it in the correct form. After all, i'm a sucker at Khmer Language even if it's my home language :/

I feel like i reallly need to get away to some place far. but i can't. Because school is still on-going!!!!! RAWRRRRRRRR. I NEED HOLIDAYS. And i'm starting to wonder will i ever have a holiday, since my national exams are coming up mid-September already -.- GAWDDDD, EXAMS EXAMX EXAMS. RAWRRRRR. ME NO LIKEY EXAMS!

Alright, i've wrote way too much nonsense.
Shall go back to just listening to awesome music xD
BUHHHBYEEEE
xoxo.

fun times will never be forgotten.

HELLOOOOOO.
i haven't updated since like 10 days ago. I was busy with the exams and all. Well, i've just been really really busy. And i'm suppose to be really busy right now too, but i chose not to be. I should really be STUDYING for my semesters which is tomorrow and the day after, and here i am, blogging. I just got home like half an hour ago. Been out since 10am until 5:30pm. Yesterday, i was out from 9am till 9:30pm. well, that sums up how much i've been neglecting my studies so badly.

Anyway, that picture above was taken yesterday's evening while i was on the boat with my brother and his friends. It was so pretty.
Here are some more :

it isn't really red here, but outside, it's like super red and super prettyyyyyy.

phnom penh city at night.

isn't it so pretty? i just really love the views of nature. especially the sky.

Yesterday, 29/06/2013 -Saturday

Went out at 9 to catch a movie called 'Klach ey, Serch ta' with Mandy and her another friend. It's a khmer movie. If i were to translate it, it would be "Afraid for what? It's funny". Well, that's awkward xD But the movie wasn't really that good. I didn't enjoy and some people in the cinema were being really noisy. It's so annoying. The movie was funny, but i don't like the story line. It's just not good. That 90 mins felt so longgggggg.
Went to buy ChaTime with Mandy and her friend. Got myself a "Grassjelly Latte". I really like grass jelly xD I find it so niceeeeeeeee xD
Went back to the seating area.

Took this while we were there xD Mandy is just sooooo cuteeeee xD 

Then Sophia, her sister and Ing came at around 11 nearly 12 i think and we went to catch "After earth" it's my second time watching it and thus i fell asleep during the movie. I swear it was such a good sleep xD
Then we went to took some neoprints while waiting until 2 to catch "World War Z" It's also my second time watching that movie but i didn't fell asleep. I still feel that it's gooooooood. I really like the movie xD Although seating on the first row isn't exactly all that comfortable, but the movie was really worth it despite it being my second time watching it.

Then my brother came and pick me up. We went to the riverside, to meet up with his friends because we were going to eat something on the boat. It was really long waiting for everything to be done. While waiting, i went to get myself an 'original iced chocolate' from Gloria Jean's. I find that it's a lot better than Brown's Chocolate Ice Blended. Took about 15-20 more mins before we got on the boat. Waited for about 10-20 more mins in order for food to arrive then we set off. The pictures of the sky were taken while i was on the boat. like duhhhhh.
Then i went to visit Sophia at the clinic D: GET WELL SOON BABE.
Then went to have dinner at Porkei. Didn't really enjoyed it as i wasn't really all that hungry. So basically, yesterday, i didn't eat anything much at all.

TODAYYYYY,
had breakfast at LY LAI restaurant or something. Then off to some place i forgot what it was called. It's out of town.
Came back, and went to have ice cream at The blue Pumpkin.
Went to some place.
Came back home.
And i should really be revising, but i'm refusing to do so D:
BECAUSE I'M JUST SOOOO SUPER LAZYYYYYYYYYYYY. GRRRR. I HATE HOW LAZY I AM D:

The pictures below were taken on Saturday - June 22nd 2013
Went out to catch "Man of Steel" with Sophia, her sisters, Pipor and Keni.
The movie was reallyyyyy boring at first. But it got a lot better half-way through.
Went to Kids City next.
We walked up from the 1st floor all the way to the 5th then to the 7th.
While on the 5th floor, at The Blue Pumpkin, Keni and I camwhored. hahahahhas :D

 Then came Sophiaaaaaa as she returned from the toilet xD

 A compilation :)

YAYYYYYY! :D

Then we went to the 7th floor to play laser tag. But sadly, keni had to leave first :( because he needed to  go and pick up his brother at 5pm.
Then i came home.

EXAMSSSSSS. I HATE EXAMS. I JUST HATE THEM SO MUCH. GRRRRRRR. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. that's why i'm not studying right now when i really should D: okay, i've probably mentioned this a lot of times already xD

i shall end this post with this:

BEN & JERRY'S. YAYYYYYY ;D
hahahhas,
OKAYYY, BUHHHBYEEEEE.
i'll try to "concentrate" on studying. hahahhas. even though i haven't even started xD

Stop bullshitting

HELLOOOOO :)
supposedly, today was suppose to be quite a good day. SUPPOSEDLY.  
but oh well, it started out rather good.
it was quite a normal and fun day at school. I went around asking people to answer a math question that i made a bet with Keni. It was 6/2(1+2)=??. I bet that it would be 1 and he bet that it would be 9. And we both went to ask our teachers (we're at different schools) and my teachers said 1 and his said 9. Now, it's just rather left behind since the "dramas" are coming back up again.
I honestly wonder why people are so.....ridiculous sometimes.

HAHAHHAHAHS. I found these while i was "stalking" Jia yi's facebook to look for her unglam photos. These were like i don't even know how many years ago xD But it was good times. I think we web-cam the whole day or was it the whole afternoon? I can't remember that clearly anymore.
I can't wait to go back and visit Singapore !! I miss it a lot , especially the people there!

YES YES. SOME PEOPLE REALLLY DOES NEED THIS KIND OF HUG.

They are just so annoying. Acting like a hypocrite and all. It's like they won't even admit their own mistakes. Like wth? The least you could do is accept it and then just move on.
OH MY GAHHHHH, I gets frustrated every time i think about them. It's just wayyyy too stupid.

Oh and people lie. I know that. But you saying that you don't lie is already a lie itself. And if you want to start whatever you want to call it, i'm fine with it. i won't even bother using foul words towards you.
Get some sense in yourself first before you talk. Want to talk about my attitude? You're no one to judge. You can't judge me. You're not allowed to. I am who I am. If you're not happy with me, I DON'T CARE.  I just don't. I'm me. Like me for who i am or just don't. I've never force you or anyone to like my attitude. Oh and, my attitude depends on how you are towards me.
I couldn't care less about whatever it is that you think. I just couldn't. I'm just like :

Oh whatever, not like i'm even bothered. More like, I'm entertained. hahahs
okayyy,
i shall maybe go do something that's more productive than this xD
Exam's next week and i haven't reviewed a thinggg.
my gahhhhh
i'm dead meattt.
okay byeeeeee :)
shall end this post with a cute picture of "Douglas Booth" <3