no matter how things may have changed, memories doesn't.

heyyyyy,
it's been so long and really long and i never once kept my word on how i'm gonna update "more often" :/
school's been really hectic.
no actually, i'm not gonna blame it on school.
it's me, myself. i'm just always neglecting what needs to be done.
and yeah, i mainly seriously only blog when i feel depressed and stuff.
and now...well, i'm not actually depressed now.
i'm just feeling really....empty.

So i spent the day at home, mainly because i wasn't feeling well and also mainly because i really just want to spend sometime alone thinking everything through.
like how "panda" says that i'm always over thinking. i think he's right. no, i know he's right. i'm just always over thinking :/ and i really hate that part of me.

okay, so, lately,
tbh, i've been really missing the past. i've told myself millions of times to stop living in the past, but sometimes, i just always end up wandering lost into space and back into the past. like, i can't help but remember them and have those flashbacks thrown at me. like, those memories, it made me smile. it was the time of my life where i could never ever forget. i mean, i met my first best friend there. i met this one really special person who still holds the same importance in my heart tho i no longer feel what i used to feel for him, but yeah, i met him. i met a lot of different people. i am who i am today because of those times. i'm the me right now because of those people i met. even though things have really drifted apart. it's been two years, but it feels like it's only been a few months. sometimes, it feels like i'm still living there and it's painful when reality punches me in the face and say "oh come on, stop dreaming! that's all the past! you're never gonna get that back!" well, yeah, memories. damn memories. just kept on lingering at the back of my mind. every damn time of the day. but those were good memories, so it's fine <3 like, those were really really good memories <3 that i would die for.
those times meant the world to me, like really. nothing could ever compare. nothing. literally nothing. i would do anything to get back to those times but sadly, no. i can't. time doesn't wait for anyone. time doesn't turn back. i just have to live with it and just be happy with what i have now. after all, i have "panda" and my awesome friends. :) so yeah, i'm pretty much happy and satisfied with all i have. and those friends, i'm glad i'm still in touch with them, most of them. at least those that are really really important to me <3 i'm just so glad they didn't forget me :)

there's really so much more to life than it seems. and life really is never as bad as it seems :)
i'm this really pessimistic bitch, so i rarely am optimistic, but i'm trying to change. i'm trying to always look at the brighter side of things. after all, there are "two sides to everything" :)

everyone's got their own different life stories, you can't compare yours to theirs. you go through different things. you experience different things. but one thing you should have in common is "enjoy the moment while it lasts. you never know when it may be gone".
don't go around judging people. it's not right, but it's what everyone do. even myself. but you know what, you can judge, just keep it to yourself. no one would ever have a clue what the hell you're thinking down there. just keep it and it won't harm anyone. the moment you open your mouth, there's always a chance that you're gonna hurt someone or even worse, you might hurt yourself.

i think i've written quite a lot ._. or maybe not ._. idk.
i'm gonna try to get start with my homework. i'm feeling good t'night :3
hehehehehehe <3
good night <3

All hopes lost

Well.....'I don't know' 

An easy way to escape questions and simply the answer to questions when you're just so mother fucking unsure about yourself. 

'The perks of being a wallflower'. That movie is just so inspiring and well....sad and depressing all at the same time...

And yeah, right now...I pretty much feel like dying.... 

..... 

Exam's tomorrow and I'm here...being all depressed and shit. Feeling all shitty. Feeling so damn suicidal. 

Pretending to smile is getting so so so much harder these past few days. 

Going to school and smile. Then come back home and run into the toilet to cry, well, that's my routine now. I should be getting used to it but...how come I'm not.... How come I still get so affected and still give a damn about everything when I shouldn't...

NOTHING..... 

Useless. 

Stupid. 

Idiot. 

Bitch. 

Insignificant. 

Alone. 

Broken. 

Insecure. 

Jealous. 

Lonely. 

Defeated. 

Hopeless. 

Lifeless. 

The list just goes on and on..... 

Simply a living corpse. 

Life full of darkness. 

Hopes all lost. 

Motivation all gone. 

Suicidal on my mind.

Getting drunk. 

Self-harming. 

I'm just so tempted to do these but then I tell myself it wouldn't do me any good. So instead , I just sit down and throw words at myself , cry , feel all pathetic and then I'll try to pick myself up....if I can. 

Haizzzzz. I shall end this post...and maybe go and bury myself in more depressing music. 

Maybe I'm wrong...maybe I'm right

Hai ! A picture of my shoes. LOLOLOL. I was bored thus I did it for fun XD hehehe. 

It's like midnight right now and I'm still up and feeling horrible. LOL. 

I just feel so emotionally tired....I don't even know why... Well, maybe I do. Maybe I don't. 

Is it so hard to try and understand people and give them space ? Why must everything be controlled? 

Haiz....pressure here. Pressure there. 

National exams coming up the day after tomorrow and I haven't even started reviewing. I just feel like giving it all up. I've lost all hopes and motivation. I simply don't even feel like a living thing anymore. Feels like a zombie...

Such an idiot I am....hopeless and stupid. Useless and insignificant. 

I'm merely throwing all the words at myself. 

I know at times like this people would be saying 'oh , look at the bright side of life...' Well, I've said that to people that are down.... 

The bright side? I don't even know where it is. When I look around, it's as though it's filled with darkness. 

Having to put on 'the smile' everyday and pretend that everything is okay is really really tiring.

On some days I just want to simply hide away or maybe just be gone. 

Right now...

Haizzzzz. I should really pick myself back up at get over this depression...... 

I thank 'the one' that's been here with me and cheering me up. :) 

Well.... 

I...should....stop feeling this way!

Hahaha. 

I'm just spamming this post with pictures XD 

I swear this is soooo cuteeeeeeee XD ^ 

Anw , good night. LOL 

.....

Haiiiii. It's been so long since I last updated ._. 

I was busy and well...lazy. LOL

The schedule's like really packed and the level of my laziness just keeps getting higher and higher. 

Okay...I'm obsessed with the song 'let her go'. I just like it. Not for any particular reason, I just do XD heheh 

A PICTURE OF BABY BEEL! Yayyyyy!! Haha 

Okay, I'm being really random :/ 

I'm just doing stuff to avoid feeling fucked up. LOL. Life is just so good and so bad both at the same time :/ 

So many stuffs on my mind yet I don't even know how to voice it out... 

The urge to just scream out loud...

The urge to just go someplace far and hide...

The urge to just...end everything :/ 

These damn negative thoughts :/ 

I've told myself millions of times to never be so pessimistic but then I can't stay optimistic for over 24 hours :/ In a day, there'll always be that moment whereby I just feel so fucking down and depressed. 

But you know what, there's also stuffs that's been making me feel good. Well, life's full of good and bad ? 

Oh god , I don't even know if what I'm saying makes any sense at all :/ 

Screw this. 

I'll drown myself in music. 

...... 

The least you could do is act better than that !

Don't act like such a dick ! 

I might be caring now, but if you continue being that way, I fucking won't bother ! 

Helloooooo people ! 

I've decided to try and update much more often than before ! 

But since my life isn't any interesting , I don't really know what to write , I'll probably just ended up writing nonsense. Hahaha. But this is my blog so yahhhh. It's my nonsense XD. Either way , I just hope you'll enjoy reading my nonsense ! I just hope I won't bore you. HAHAHHA. 

Anyway , I've been feeling really irritated at people that doesn't appreciate it when someone shows them that they care and instead act like such a dick ! Gosh ! Worse kind of human being ever ! I mean , seriously ? They're showing you that they care and yet you act that way ? Geez ! So fucking ridiculous ! 

I have the say that the picture above is just so true ! 

I won't deny that I don't drink. I mean , who doesn't ? HAHAH. All teenagers have at least tasted alcohol once. LOL. But yeahhh, gotta admit that there are indeed 'good' teen out there who doesn't drink. But I haven't found one in my circle of friends. Hahah. They've all at least tasted alcohol once. Lol. 

Drinking doesn't mean being an alcoholic~~ 

Yeah , I do drink. But not often. And I only drink a lot when I feel fucked up. Come on, all the pain goes away when alcohol enters. Hahaha. But gotta admit that sometimes it only increases the pain instead of making it go away. And the aftermath of drinking is never good ! 

Yeah , drinking isn't good for the health, but if you know how to limit yourself , well, it won't really affect your health. Everyone ended up drinking later in life anyway ! ;) 

GAGAGA. 

I'm not exactly the 'good kid' Hahas. I rebel a lot. Like really a lot ! But I love my parents ! I love them much more than I can say ! 

I mean yeah , some times I do get mad at them but not for long and I can never ever hate them ! How could I ever ? They gave birth to me. They made me who I am today. They were always there for me. They're the only ones who'll truly accept me for who I am. And they're the only ones that love me much more than how much I love myself. 

I don't believe it when someone says ' oh, I'll love you forever ' 

I simply don't unless of course that person is gonna marry you or sth. But it's never accurate ! There are some people out there who's cheating but there are also some out there who really does truly love their one and only! 

But for now , at this age, nahhhh. No such love exist. It's all merely appearance. I mean , yeah , they love you when you're nice , neat and have money. Don't you dare tell me you don't love money ! Everyone does. But some people love it too much that they don't realize what they're missing. Anw , back to topic; tell me , will you still love that person when he/she is going through the darkest times of his/her life ? Will you still love them when all they do is argue with you ? Will you still love them when all your friends are saying 'oh , you got such an ugly lover'? Will you still love them with all their ugly sides ? Will you still love that person when suddenly there's a super hot person coming up to woo you ? Yeah , will you ? Will you be able to promise yourself to be faithful ? There's not such things as forever at such an age ! Hell yeah , that's reality ! Either accept it or just continue being fooled and getting broken down. 

Yeah , that's just my opinion and all. It's all from my point of view so if I've offended any of you , I apologize but yeah , reality is harsh. It doesn't lay low on you. It strikes you through the heart. But by accepting reality , you'll get a lot stronger :) 

Shall end the post with this : 

Hehehe. 

Good night !~~~ 

time changes everything

back in 2012. so much has changed since then.

HELLOOOOOOOO.
It has been soooo long since i've last updated. And i'm sorry. I've been so busy with so many things!!! Life's been so hectic nowadays.
I've realised that so much has changed over the past 8 months. Since 2013 started, i hadn't really been having the time of my life or anything and neither am i having the time of my life right now. It's just, I feel a lot better about myself. I feel like i should strive for the things i want. I should no longer hold back or have any set backs in life.
Well, my heart's never been cleared since the moment i came back to Cambodia. It can't be helped because i've regretted so many things that i should've done while i was in Singapore, yet i didn't do it. I've regretted it till today. But the past is the past, i won't dwell on it as much as i once did. I'll look back to those times and smile because I am thankful for what has happened. The people i've met. The time i've spent. The memories. Everything.

I've always hated myself for always easily getting attached to someone. It's like if I just get to know someone and we "click" immediately, I get attached so easily to that person. I trust that person and share almost every thing about myself with that person. In the end, what I get is mostly betrayal. They all always ended up leaving in the end and I get hurt. A part of me seems to be lost once they leave. While some just comes in and out of my life whenever they please. I don't get it. It hurts me. It hurts me knowing that I'm the only one who cares. Why are they like that? Why would they leave even though they know how hurt i'll get when they do....And most of the times, i'll be the idiot who goes chasing them back into my life. But now i've changed. I will no longer do that. If they want to enter, make sure to stay. If they don't plan on staying then I'll gladly walk away first. This is a lot easier said than done. I mean , come on, would you really leave someone that means so much to you? Yeah, every Hello comes another Good bye. It's sad, but it inescapable.

All kind of shit happens. So bare with it. You're not the only one going through though times. Remember, YOU'RE NEVER ALONE :)

The past's the past. We can't turn back time. Just like someone special had once told me "It's enough. Don't dwell on the past. It'll only hurt you more".
It reminds me so much of the times spent with that person. Special. So very special.

hehehehe :')

Anyway, this post is like sooooo emotional. My goddddddd. NO MORE NO MORE. Haha XD
It's been ages since i've last watch any anime and my gosh, life is no fun without anime!!!! D:

hahahah, okay
i don't really know what to write anymore
buhhhhhbyeeeeeeee~~

It gets so tiring...

I can't. I just can't.
I know i'm the troublesome child and all that, but living in this house is just slowly killing me one by one. How could i ever be happy? There hasn't been a moment where i feel "oh, staying here is good. staying here is happy" There has never been such a moment! I'm so pissed okay. I really am. Yeah okay, i don't fit in that easily, that's right. It's me. I find it so hard to fit in an environment i'm so unfamiliar with. People have different ways of living. I have mine. It's my life. I can choose and decide however i want to live. No one wants to live a bad life. I know i sometimes makes wrong decisions, but why do you keep on blaming me instead of just telling me that it's wrong? Why is it that whenever i make a mistake, all the damn things that i've done wrong are just added to my current mistake? That's so damn unfair! Why talk about stuffs that aren't even related to my mistakes? WHY WHY WHY?

I've become this person whom just no longer tells anyone how i'm feeling. I'm so used to sealing it away in my heart. When i'm surrounded, i feel alone. Not all the times of course, but yeah, that feeling sucks. Being surrounded yet still feel so fucking alone. Yeah, that sucks okay. I know that there are others out there who feels exactly the same. I can't rant about it anywhere else or to anyone other than here, on my own blog. I am not going to care if you're going to criticise me. I am not! I am just so tired of everything. So tired of life. So tired of all the fucking dramas. So tired of all the damn problems. Why can't life just for once go easy on me? Yeah, i know, life's always full of ups and downs but....I can't take it any longer...I feel so...tired.
No one understands me...no matter how much i tried explaining..so yeah, eventually i stopped. I've started to put barriers around myself, not letting people get to know the real me, not letting people know what i feel, not showing anyone how much i care even though i care so much.

I don't even know what i'm suppose to feel right now. Apologetic? Angry? Sad? I don't even know. It's just so mixed up. I'm just so tired of misunderstandings. People say they know what it's like to be feeling this and that and blah blah blah, but they don't. I know i'm not the only one suffering. I know there are others out there who's suffering so much more than I am, but yea....this is my life and i just feel so tired of living. i really am so tired. just so tired.
I just want to simply shut myself off from the world, go somewhere far that no one i know would ever find me, and just cry, let all my worries out, and then look at the world from a new side.