Lead astray

Been quite a while since I updated 

Got back from Singapore

Had a very very wonderful time with hunn 

He's literally the best 💕 

Can't say how much I really love this guy 

Can't express how much I really need him either 

He's so different from everyone else. Maybe it's because I've known him for 7 years and used to hate him before. It's funny because I used to find him so annoying and now I can't stand a day without thinking of him and I can't stand not talking to him for more than an hour. Or even fifteen minutes. A part of me would begin to panic when he doesn't reply. I love him so much it scares me but I don't care, I don't mind being intimidated by the love I feel for him because it probably doesn't make much sense but yeah, because I just really do love him. 

I hadn't been feeling very well lately. 

Actually I've been sick since the moment I got back from Singapore and it's only been getting worse. Flu and fever is gone, I just feel really dizzy all day long. I can't sit down and stand up without my eyesight going blind for around 5 seconds or so and then I would feel like I'm about to collapse. And my head literally feels like it's about to explode. And I can literally feel my veins popping out of the side of my forehead ._. It's like scary but then I don't know why but I enjoy touching it. There's this beat to it, like a heartbeat and it feels like if it was to stop, my heart probably would stop too. HAHAHAHA I'm not really optimistic lately. Too many things on my mind and being sick just doesn't help. 

I'm starting to fear life all over again and I do not know why. I just wish sometimes I could order my brain to just stop thinking for once. I don't know why I'm even fearing the future that I do not know of. 

Sometimes the thought 'maybe if I close my eyes again, I probably can go to sleep forever' just goes through my mind, repeatedly. 

I guess it's because of what happened that night. I swear I could see all my life events flash right before my eyes and it literally felt like that was my last moment to live. But I had no regrets. I had told Jialiang I love him. I had argued with my mom about the fact that I do love her. And my dad more than knows that I do love him. And looking back at my life, it's not all that bad so I didn't mind dying then. It was like a wake up call yet at the same time my mind telling me if I were to really not wake up, there's nothing I would regret and that it's probably my time to go. 

I swear I've been so pessimistic lately I hate myself for it. 

But I know I'm not the only one that goes through bad days like this. 

I hope Jialiang is fine. He's been really tired lately and it worries me. A lot. I don't know how to help. :( I suck like shit. I want to just fly over and give him a hug but I know I can't do that.... I wish he can depend on me like how I depend on him. :'( I swear I love him so so much. I love him, like I've never ever loved anyone before him. I feel like an infant, just born and new to this whole thing. And I'm so scared I'll make a grave mistake because I swear I wouldn't know what to do if I were to lose him. He's just so so important to me. His existence plays a very very significant role in my life. And this goes against my own moral, but I love him so much more than myself. And it's the scariest thing to do because being a coward I am, I'm really scared of getting hurt but I don't know why I'm risking and putting all that I have for him because I just love him that much. I hope he knows how much he means to me and I hope he feels better soon :( 

I want to see him smiling and laughing because if he's sad, I'll be depressed af and if he's happy, I'll be on cloud9 because what he feels matters more to me than what I feel. And I'm willing to do anything for him. Literally anything. 

Wonder

Sometimes I sit alone; wondering; 

What life would be like if I hadn't met you? 

What life would be life if I hadn't stayed strong? 

What is life? 

What am I? 

Who am I? 

Why am I this way? 

What is it that's bothering me? 

And the more I wonder, the more question appears; 

What will the future be like? 

Will it be okay? 

Do I really not fear death? 

And it got me thinking even more; 

What is he doing? 

How is he doing? 

What's on his mind? 

Can I bring him the happiness he needs? 

Am I good enough for him? 

But then there's no answer. There's only one thought; one sentence is sufficient: 

I miss him. 

There's only one answer to all my questions: 

Just live. 

Three words; Eight letters to describe what I feel for him; 

I love him. 

Yet another question; 

How much do i love him? 

There's no answer. There's no limit. And that is scary but there's no time to be afraid; only time to love and to show him so. 

Yet another question; 

What would I do without him? 

The only answer I can think of: 

"I don't know" 

The only thought on my mind: 

"Life would crumble; nothing would be the same" 

I tell myself this every day; 

"You're a fool for allowing yourself to expose yourself to pain and risk losing the one of the most important in your life" 

But my inner self fought back; 

"He's worth becoming a fool for" 

And then I close my eyes and remember the beautiful moments with him and how beautiful and warm life is. 

I love you, Sim Jia Liang <3 

ASSSHOLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Fuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkk 

Ughssssssss 

So fucking pissed off :< 

LIKE SERIOUSLY! If you ask for help and I help, FUCKING LISTEN! MY FUCKING GOD!!!! 

You saw the fucking screen and then you fucking said I'm fucking BLIND?!?! ASSHOLE.  

YOU FUCKING SAW THE DAMN FUCKING SCREEN MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!! 

I can't even fucking rant this anger out. Ughsssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I swear to god I want to fucking punch everybody in their fucking face. 

Like what the fuck man. Don't fucking just put the fucking blame. You got eyes. You got the fucking brain. FUCKING USE IT. THERES THE FUCKING BRAIN FOR ONE FUCKING REASON: FUCKING USE IT. ITS FOR YOUR OWN FUCKING KNOWLEDGE. 

READ BEFORE YOU FUCKING SAY WHATS FUCKING WRONG. READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

YOU GOT THEM FUCKING EYES FOR GOD'S SAKE! 

UGHS 

IM NOT GONNA EVEN BOTHER. 

BYE. 

Loneliness

Bleh. 

The title says it all. 

I'm tired. Physically tired. I'm emotionally okay because of baby <3 but I feel lonely. Blehhhh. 

The trip ain't nice. It's boring :< 

Not my kind of trip. 

I miss baby. A lot. And I wish he's here with  :< 

Tbh, it's saddening. I'm really looking forward to Singapore but I'll probably end up drowning in sadness when I leave :'( 

And I AM SO NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO SCHOOL. 

It'll be a whole different environment. Junmin and Atif are gone...it's not gonna be the same... 

There's still Ngy but Junmin and Atif....I miss them. 

They're like the two guys I'm closest to after Ngy. 

Every class was fun with them...like literally almost every class except English. English is boring as shit. 

But other than that...it's really fun and I really miss them. 

I feel lonely. Like really lonely. Babe always make my day better but thinking about the next school year without two of the closest people to me sucks hardcore. 

the two people that i can literally talk everything with them. 

Bleh. 

I want to cry. 

I really want to cry but...no. 

I hate parting with people. 

I hate leaving. 

I hate that it's always either I have to move or my friends have to move. 

Fuck that shit. 

I've been away from my parents for half my life.

And I've never had the chance to be close to my real and true friends for more than 4 years..... 

Now it's only 1 or 2 years...

It's bullshit. 

I'm still thankful for the life...it's just, I'm sad today....just today.... 

Favorite Polaroid <3

Missing babe like crazy :< 

New favorite song: Going to meet you now (Doctor Stranger OST) 

Bye......

Bokor Mountain

Wassssappppppppp 

I'm finally at Bokor Mountain :D 

It's sooooo cold out here and I wish he's here with me. Literally. 

It's such a tiring ride. It was like 10 hours drive.....literally 10 hours...but not the longest I've ridden. I drank like 2 cups of coffee and a sip of red bull but I was still knock out during the ride. LOLOLOLOLOL I swear to god I sleep so fuckkng well and nothing will keep me from my sleep except my determination. HAHAHAHAH. Babe was doing his hmwk so I decided to just sleep. 

But I didn't sleep after lunch. Like I couldn't fall asleep because of the clashing of my dad's loud music and my own music...

I decided to continue reading 'Looking for Alaska'. THAT BOOK IS SO GOOD. JOHN GREEN IS OFFICIALLY ANOTHER ONE OF MY FAVORITE AUTHOR. I'm gonna continue it tmr and maybe try to finish it during the drive to the beach. Ehehehehe 

It's so cold here at Bokor Mountain that this happened: 

Body heat. HAHAHAHAHA. He's my brother okay. Do not misunderstand. HAHAHAHAH. I have my own prince awaiting me at Singapore alright :3 

Ehehehe and I sooooo wish he's here with me so I can cuddle with him ;< 

I did the same with my mom. HAHAHAHA. It was freezing cold and so hazy that we couldn't see the road at all. 

Ehehehhe. 

I miss babe :( 

Like a lot. 

13 more days <3 

I am in loveeeee with this shoes and how comfortable it is <3 

Booboo chose it with me and ehehehe gotta say he's got great fashion sense ;) 

View from the hotel front porch. 

HAHAHAHA 

I think I should go shower 

But I'm lazy...

Don't worry. I WILL SHOWER. HAHAHAHAHAH 

I wanna Skype babe ;( 

I miss himmmmm. Blehhhhhh. 

La 

La 

La 

Okay. I'm going off. Ehehehehe :3 byeeee 

Thankful

Helloooo. I'm gonna try. Hahahah try and update more frequently lah hor :D 

Off to Bokor Mountain tmr and then probably off to the beach the day after. Ehehehe :D finally there's the summer feels <3 

I don't really know what to say but I shall post about what I'm thankful for. 

I'm so thankful for the life that I have right now. I'm thankful to myself that I didn't do the stupid suicide thing. I'm thankful that I'm alive and well. I'm thankful for the comfort and love my parents provided me. Of course I'm thankful for the money too XD but right now, I'm most thankful that a certain someone exist. 

I'm so thankful, like literally super thankful. 

I've known him for 7 years but we've only been close for like about 3-4 years because HAHAHAHA believe it or not, I used to find him really annoying back in primary school. But now, he's no where near annoying, he's the loveliest person I've met so far. <3 

He's not just someone special to me. 

He plays a significant role in my life. 3 years ago and now as well. 

He's like the best friend that one would cherish for the rest of their life and yes, I will cherish him for the rest of my life. 

He's not just my best friend, he's also my lover. And I'm thankful for the one week that I spent in Singapore with him <3 

He made me believe in the things that I swore I would never trust again. 

He made me look at the things I once feared differently. 

He made me want to step out of my comfort zone and just take a step forward and fight for what I want. 

If not for him, I think I'd still be the same old me, not wanting to believe in anything and not giving a damn about the whole world. 

It's not like I give much damn now, it's just, I look at the world differently. 

I now believe in hope, faith and trust. 

He's definitely one to keep and I will keep in <3 

I'll do whatever it takes to make sure this one lasts. 

Fights, quarrels and misunderstandings are bound to happen, but we'll get through it, like two pieces of puzzle that fits perfectly for one another. 

I know this sounds so weird and idk what to call it, also I know this sounds like blah blah blah because I'm young and all but fuck it, I'm just gonna say it; I think I've found my other half and it's him. 

14 days; 2 weeks to Singapore <3 

I honestly can't waitttttt XD 

It's long distance but we'll show the world that distance does not bring two people apart. If there's a will, there's a way :D 

Ehehehehehe. 

I went for a drive just now and hit this truck that stopped midway -.- 

I'm sorry I didn't apologize; sorry not sorry; but yeah, he fucking stopped midway!!! But it was also my fault.... Ehehehe I'm a beginner XD but I'll learn from the mistakes :3 

Like my dad said 'admit your mistakes, face it and learn from it' 

Kekekeke 

I hope everything goes well tmr :D 

And I hope the Internet will be good at the hotel so I can Skype booboo XD 

I shall end this here. MUAHAHHAHA 

Tb to Singapore <3 

17th June 2014 - 24th June 2014

Boring holidayyyy

Blehhhhh

Helluuuuuuuuu

It's such a boring holiday ever since I came back from Singapore 😒😫 

Of course it's not entirely boring, booboo's always there for me which is the best thing and he's always there to boost my day <3 ehehehe 

It's just, staying home is boringggggggg 😫 I've never really been the kind of stay home and 'look after the shop' kind. This is why I don't like business, there's literally no break. Tsk tsk. 

Had lunch aloneeee today but the lunch was my goddd the best lunch 😋 

Ehehehehe. The roasted chicken's the best. 😋 didn't touch the soup at all. Ehehehe XD 

Brother's engagement this evening 😪 

It's gonna be tiring. Lol. 

But blehh, he's gonna be married soonnnnn. 

Kinda sad but as long as he's happy. 😁 

Thinking of what I should get him for his wedding that's happening in 3 months 😖 

Probably gonna ask mom for money to get it 😂😂 ain't rich enough to buy things with 'my own' money 😂😂 which I dont have. HAHAHAHHAAH. 

And DID I MENTION THAT JUNG JOON YOUNG LOOKS SO DAMN GOOD NOWWWWW. 

Look at that. Omgggggg 😍 

And his new song 'teenager' is just such a killer. Ehehehehehe. 😍😍 he's like literally my favorite of all time. Not only is he so realistic and down to earth, he's such an inspiration <3 

Doctor stranger ended :( 

I don't want to watch the finale. 

I'm not ready. 

I don't want to say goodbye to my Lee Jong Suk :((((( 

Look at that mannnnnn. Like omgggggg 

I'm gonna miss his acting so much :( 

Okay, let me go cry one corner now 😭 

HAHAHAHA. Sorry for the fangirl mode XD 

But yeah, sorry not sorry. HAHAHAHAHA :P 

I think I've talked too much now 😂😂😂 bye byeeee 

Booboo, 我爱你🙈😘❤️

HAHAHAHAHA. OMG. Hahahah. Yes. I reappeared

HAHAHAHA. Hellooooo 

HAHAHAHAHA 

I'm laughing so much at how much I didn't update my own blog for more than half a year 

HAHAHAHAHA 

I don't think I'll update this blog often at all 

HAHAHHAHAHA 

OMG 

Grade 10 is over

DP next year :( 

Blehhhhhhhhhhh 

Life's gonna be so hecticcccc this coming August but hahahah I'll manage. HAHAHAHAHAHA. I'll slack a lot I think 

That's what I do best at. Slacking. 

Ehehehehe :3 

Gonna return to Singapore on the 25th <3 

Ehehehehe I can't waittttttt 

There's a really good reason why I'm going and it's the main reason why I'm looking forward to it so much ☺️☺️☺️ 

I don't really know what to write anymore. HAHAHAHAHA. 

Since it's the hols and I'm gonna be going to the beach, I might update soon or I might not. HAHAHAHAH. 

No more promises because I think I'm bad at updating my own blog 😂😂😂😂😂 

Goooodnighttttt eerrryyyybodyyyyyy :>