Got back from Singapore
Had a very very wonderful time with hunn
He's literally the best 💕
Can't say how much I really love this guy
Can't express how much I really need him either
He's so different from everyone else. Maybe it's because I've known him for 7 years and used to hate him before. It's funny because I used to find him so annoying and now I can't stand a day without thinking of him and I can't stand not talking to him for more than an hour. Or even fifteen minutes. A part of me would begin to panic when he doesn't reply. I love him so much it scares me but I don't care, I don't mind being intimidated by the love I feel for him because it probably doesn't make much sense but yeah, because I just really do love him.
I hadn't been feeling very well lately.
Actually I've been sick since the moment I got back from Singapore and it's only been getting worse. Flu and fever is gone, I just feel really dizzy all day long. I can't sit down and stand up without my eyesight going blind for around 5 seconds or so and then I would feel like I'm about to collapse. And my head literally feels like it's about to explode. And I can literally feel my veins popping out of the side of my forehead ._. It's like scary but then I don't know why but I enjoy touching it. There's this beat to it, like a heartbeat and it feels like if it was to stop, my heart probably would stop too. HAHAHAHA I'm not really optimistic lately. Too many things on my mind and being sick just doesn't help.
I'm starting to fear life all over again and I do not know why. I just wish sometimes I could order my brain to just stop thinking for once. I don't know why I'm even fearing the future that I do not know of.
Sometimes the thought 'maybe if I close my eyes again, I probably can go to sleep forever' just goes through my mind, repeatedly.
I guess it's because of what happened that night. I swear I could see all my life events flash right before my eyes and it literally felt like that was my last moment to live. But I had no regrets. I had told Jialiang I love him. I had argued with my mom about the fact that I do love her. And my dad more than knows that I do love him. And looking back at my life, it's not all that bad so I didn't mind dying then. It was like a wake up call yet at the same time my mind telling me if I were to really not wake up, there's nothing I would regret and that it's probably my time to go.
I swear I've been so pessimistic lately I hate myself for it.
But I know I'm not the only one that goes through bad days like this.
I hope Jialiang is fine. He's been really tired lately and it worries me. A lot. I don't know how to help. :( I suck like shit. I want to just fly over and give him a hug but I know I can't do that.... I wish he can depend on me like how I depend on him. :'( I swear I love him so so much. I love him, like I've never ever loved anyone before him. I feel like an infant, just born and new to this whole thing. And I'm so scared I'll make a grave mistake because I swear I wouldn't know what to do if I were to lose him. He's just so so important to me. His existence plays a very very significant role in my life. And this goes against my own moral, but I love him so much more than myself. And it's the scariest thing to do because being a coward I am, I'm really scared of getting hurt but I don't know why I'm risking and putting all that I have for him because I just love him that much. I hope he knows how much he means to me and I hope he feels better soon :(
I want to see him smiling and laughing because if he's sad, I'll be depressed af and if he's happy, I'll be on cloud9 because what he feels matters more to me than what I feel. And I'm willing to do anything for him. Literally anything.
